** In an effort to be wholly transparent and honest, I want you to know a version of this was previously posted on my other blog (A Soul is a Resilient Thing), however, it has been altered. Also, chronological mentions are not necessarily accurate, meaning yesterday wasn’t yesterday but in fact several yesterdays ago…make sense? **
REALABETES – the very REAL and sometimes very ugly face of Type 1 Diabetes.
As you may know, whether because your neighbour’s sister’s best friend’s aunt’s cat had diabetes or simply by being a conscious human in this world, there are several types of Diabetes.
I myself am Type 1.
A T1D, a person with diabetes, a Diabadass, a D-peep, someone’s Diabuddy, a Diababe…
Some (ignorant) people refer to this as the bad type; that is incorrect. No disease, no matter what level of severity, is the good type so that means there is no bad type.
Some people refer to Type 1 as juvenile diabetes, but that is also incorrect. Type 1 Diabetes can be diagnosed at ANY age.
There is no cure for Type 1 and no preventative measures can be taken to avoid it.
So, to clarify: my diabetes is the type where my pancreas up and quit one day, it decided to skip town and never produce insulin again.
There are some who are Type 2, a type of diabetes in which the body produces insulin but cannot use it properly. Adjustments and improvements in lifestyle choices can often be of great benefit to Type 2 Diabetes patients. These same healthy choices can be installed to help prevent or postpone diagnosis.
Gestational Diabetes occurs during pregnancy. The body struggles to use insulin properly. This type of diabetes usually goes away after the baby is born.
There are a few others now too, but I’ll leave those for you to discover. If you missed the link above, you can click here to read more.
Yesterday was not a good glucose day for me. I rode high all fucking day long. I threw insulin at those nasty double-digit readings like my life depended on it (OH WAIT! It did…) and was slapped around all day by failed attempts to wrangle those shuggies.
Yesterday was a REALABETES day.
Normally ‘Betes and I can mosey through our days pretty well. Hand in hand. We have a mutual understanding. Most days. But not this day. NOOOOOO, on this day ‘Betes decided it wanted to rear its UGLY FACE.
Which resulted in this face…
Beats By ‘Betes
This is the face of defeat.
This is the face of go fuck yourself Diabetes and take life with you.
This is the face of someone who fought to get her glucose level from the high teens to normal range for close to 10-fucking-hours while also navigating life. And on this day LIFE included getting Bean ready for school, packing lunch and making breakfast. It included running multiple errands and attempting to set up a new computer – that almost found itself launched out the window – and then spending an unexpected two hours at the car dealership, to pick up our new vehicle, and nearly running out of insulin. It also included doing a pump site change and the general to do around the house.
And this all ended with me trying not to be a totally exasperated and snarky human as we spent the evening together as a family playing Star Wars Monopoly.
This is the face of someone who cried, got angry, got angrier and then cried some more.
This is the face of someone who doesn’t feel well, someone who is thirsty, nauseous and grossly uncomfortable in their body.
This is the face of someone physically exhausted and mentally spent.
This is the face of someone who desperately wants to give up, but can’t because if she does she will die.
Preservation of Perspective
It is also the face of a resilient soul.
It is the face of someone who endured feeling horrendous for hours on end.
It is the face of someone who made it through the day.
It is the face of someone who managed to give herself a wee break, and maybe wasn’t as hard on herself as she normally is, making this the face of success.
The shit list is looooong but it need only be the focus if you want or allow it to be. You can always opt to make it a momentary blip in the bigger picture.
And, while the success list is often much shorter it is where my focus will be, because I deserve to be proud of me.
REALABETES is unavoidable.
Every now and then, it will make itself known. In some way, shape or form, it will rear its ugly face and stare you down until you simply cannot ignore it any longer.
Sure, you can hide from it, and pretend it isn’t there, if that’s what works for you.
But that’s not what works for me. While ‘Betes and I have shared a lot and grown a lot in our 20 years together, the greatest gift I ever gave us was transparency. I simply cannot deny or disregard any part of our relationship.
And that means shining a big ol’ bright light on all the nasty, dirty bits.
Those ugly face moments suck.
It feels like ‘Betes is getting the upper-hand. And that’s okay. Trust me.
We cannot win all the time.
If we did, what would we ever learn?